Season One

That '70s Pilot

Jackie: Donna, I have to go to the ladies room. (walks a few feet. Pauses.) Donna!
(Donna huffs and walks off after her.)

Jackie: Okay guys, we're in the middle of nowhere. And I have to go the ladies room. (walks a few feet. Pauses) Donna!
(Donna huffs and walks off after here.)

Eric's Birthday

Jackie: So?
Donna: What?
Jackie: What are you going to get Eric for his birthday?
Donna: I don't know. Nothing seems right. I want to give him something special.
Jackie: He kissed you!
Donna: Shhh!
Jackie: Get in the car, Donna! GET IN THE CAR so we can talk! (they hustle into the Vista Cruiser and shut the door) Okay, what happened.
Donna: Jackie, I'm not going to talk to you about this!
Jackie: And who are you going to talk to?
(They look at the guys. They're being idiots)
Donna: Okay. We get home from the Rundgren concert and I'm sitting on the hood of the car... And I kissed him!
Jackie: French or American?
Donna: I can't believe I'm talking to you about this. (they look up. The guys are still being idiots). Okay! So. Look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life and we talk about everything together. We love the same music, we love the Packers. Then I kissed him and everything changed. And now I don't know if he's my boyfriend, or if he's my best-friend . If he's my boyfriend, I lose my boyfriend. If I screw it up, I lose my best-friend and my boyfriend. Now I have to give him this gift and I don't...
Jackie: Donna. Donna! I've solved it. Get him' a scented candle.
Donna: A scented candle?
Jackie: It's practical and romantic. Oh yeah!

Jackie: NO! Donna, help me find my purse! NOW! (grabs Donna and drags her into the kitchen)
Donna: Jackie, you didn't even bring a purse!
Jackie: DUH! You can't give him your present in front of his guy friends!
Donna: I am one of his guy friends!
Jackie: Look, Donna. I have put a lot of thought into this gift. Please do not wreck this for me!
Donna: I'm sorry. I guess I was being selfish.
Jackie: (sighs and rubs Donna on the shoulder) It's okay. Jackie: Wait on the porch and I'll get Eric.
Donna: It's dark out there.
Jackie: And you're giving him a candle. Yeah! Here, matches.
Donna: He might not want to light it.
Jackie: Don't say that! Don't even think it! Now, when he opens it, he'll say cool or something and then you give him a look, like this. (Jackie demonstrates 'coy' and 'come hither. Donna just looks confused.)

Streaking

Jackie: I'll just have water.
Donna: You know, there's a hose in the back yard.

Battle of the Sexists

Donna: Hello?
Jackie: You beat Eric at basketball! How could that happen?
Donna: So, I beat Eric at basketball, what's the big deal?
Jackie: Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff! Okay, it is like in 'West Side Story', now if Maria beat Tonay at one-on-one, they would never have fallen in love!
Donna: Yeah, and Tony never would've been killed in that knife fight
Jackie: And neither will Eric if you're not careful!
Donna: no, don't worry about it, someone will stab Eric, bye!

Drive In

Jackie: It's called make-out, Donna. Say it.
Donna: Alright. Make-out.

Jackie: Everyone wants their first make-out to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World!
Donna: Disney World?
Jackie: Right. Sorry. Donna: Will you come with us?
Jackie: Why?
Donna: You'd be like a loophole!
Jackie: Loophole?

Donna: I can always talk to you if you get nervous 'cause you've gotta be bored with sex by now!
Jackie: What do you mean?
Donna: You and Kelso have done it like a million times!
Jackie: We have never done it! He got to third base once and that was an accident!

Jackie: So, you guys okay up here?
Donna: No. I want popcorn and I want Eric and Kelso to go get it!

Donna: I didn't bring you here to suck Kelso's face off!
Jackie: I know. I'm sorry.
Donna: This is so awkward!
Jackie: You're right. I wasn't being a very good friend. No more making out. I promise.

Thanksgiving

Jackie: Okay, are you okay?
Donna: Umm... yeah.
Jackie: Donna, how can you be okay? There's a college woman sleeping in his bed.
Donna: He's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie: Donna. Stairs are not going to stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire will not stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire will not -
Donna: Jackie, I get it. I get it.
Jackie: Poor Donna, so naive!

Eric's Buddy

Jackie: He's with Eric? This is a serious clique breach!
Donna: A serious clique breach? Well, that's the worst kind!
Jackie: You see, Buddy is in the rich kid clique. (she grabs a mustard bottle) They mingle with the jock clique. (Motioning with the ketchup bottle) Then you have your smokers and your heads (grabs various condiments to demonstrate) Ok? Rich kids can be smokers, and jocks can be heads. But jocks can not be smokers unless they're rich.
Donna: What about Larry Mosely? He's a rich jock smoker head.
Jackie: well, now you're just being difficult.

The Best Christmas Ever

Jackie: Every year my friends and I deliver baskets to the unfortunate.
Donna: I think you mean less fortunate.
Jackie: Okay, whatever. Bums!

Hyde: I know this girl and I want to get her a Christmas present.
Jackie: Oh my GOD! It's Donna!
Hyde: It's not Donna.
Jackie: Okay, it's not Donna. So. How much do you have to spend?
Hyde: Six dollars.
Jackie: You don't deserve a girl like Donna for six dollars!
Hyde: I'm not trying to get Donna!
Jackie: Good, cause you won't for six dollars!

Stolen Car

Donna: Oh my God. 'Hair dos and don'ts of Olympic Gold medalists.'
Jackie: Oh my God! Is that Dorothy Hamel? She's a virgin!

Donna: Speakin of... um. You know all those girls at school who do it like all the time?
Jackie: Yeah.
Donna: All right. Is it just me or do they seem more relaxed?

Donna: Before you guys got here, Jackie and I were actually having a pretty good time. (everyone gives a stunned look.) I know! I was suprised too!

Jackie: Just so you know, Donna. When I finally decide to do it with Michael, I have the whole thing planned out. First, I'll be wearing a very sexy reinoir.
Donna: Don't you mean peignoir?
Jackie: Yeah, okay, whatever. Stop ruining this, Donna.

Donna: So, if you have it all planned out, why are you- why are you still waiting?
Jackie: I want it to be really, really special.
Donna: Oh, I mean, how could it not with a gigantic banner?
Jackie: Exactly.

That Wrestling Show

Donna: Jackie, what are you doing here? You hate wrestling?
Jackie: Michael likes it and anything that Michael likes, I like. 'Cause I like Michael!
Kelso: That's my girl!
Donna: Oh, barf.

Donna: Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso?
Jackie: Look, Micheal Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
Donna: Eww! I mean... No, ewww.

Donna: Why are you being such a doormat?
Jackie: Look, I have to be nice. What if he gets bored now?
Donna: Bored? Jackie, he's gonna want to do it again.
Jackie: So what you're saying is I'm totally in charge.
Donna: Well, I mean a partner-
Jackie: No, no, no. I own him! I AM THE MAN!
Donna: Well, Jackie, I-
Jackie: No, no. THANK you, Donna.

Jackie: Okay, let me clear it up for you. Get me a soda. NOW. (kelso runs to get a soda. Jackie taps Donna on the shoulder.) DId you see that? I'm the man!

The Pill

Donna: I have to go to the bathroom. Jackie?
Jackie: Oh, my GOD, Donna! You have never asked me to go to the bathroom with you before!
Donna: Yeah. It's a big day.

Jackie: Yes, Donna. It is true. I am carrying Michael Kelso's child.
Donna: Jackie, you're a sophomore! How can you be so stupid!
Jackie: I'm a sophomore.

Donna: Well, why didn't you like, you know, use something?
Jackie: Well, I would have but my cousin Carla told me that I could not get pregnant for eight days after my period.
Donna: Okay, eight days after your first day or you last day?
Jackie: I dont' know. Carla never called me back.

Jackie: Oh my God Donna, having this child is gonna ruin my whole life!
Donna: Well.... YEAH.

Jackie: God, I'll have to wear flats! I'll get overweight. I'll be too fat to cheer.
Donna: Not to mention the fact you'll have a baby to take care of.

Jackie: Donna, what am I going to do I'm in such trouble (she wraps her arms around Donna. Donna hugs back)
Donna: Jackie, it's all right. We'll get through this.

Donna: What does Kelso say about this?
Jackie: No, no, no, no! I cannot tell Michael. It's way too embarrasing.
Donna: Jackie, you had sex with him!
Jackie: I know I did, but we didn't talk!

Donna: You have to tell Kelso! If you don't, I will.
Jackie: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Thank you!

Jackie: Donna! Donna! Guess what?
Donna: You're having twins?

Donna: Jackie, I am not going to let you forget about this! All right? You got really, really lucky and as your friend, I'm not going to let you be stupid about this!
Jackie: We're friends?
Donna: Shut up.

Donna: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie: Oh, my god! You are gonna be so popular!
Donna: Jackie, I didn't do it to be popular. I did it because I am not going to get stuck in this stinky little town.
Jackie: Kay, well, you know they're building a K-Mart on Franklin.

Donna: Jackie, when this E.R.A passes, I'm gonna be able to do whatever I want. And so will you if you don't screw it up now!
Jackie: So Donna, tell me more about this pill. Does it do anything weird to your hair?
Donna: Only above your lip.

Prom Night

Donna: These are the shoes I'm wearing to the Prom! Aren't they cool?
Jackie: Oh my God, I was gonna get new shoes except Michael didn't ask me.
Donna: You like my Prom dress, right?
Jackie: Oh my God, I was gonna get a new Prom dress, except Michael didn't ask me.
Donna: I'm so nervous about the Prom! I think it's gonna be the night that Eric and I you know?
Jackie: Oh my Gosh, that's when Michael and I were gonna do it the first time!
Donna: Jackie, you and Kelso did it like two months ago, and like thirty times after that!
Jackie: Yeah, but it would've been the first time at a Prom! Except Michael didn't ask me!
Donna: Look, just ask Kelso to go with you!
Jackie: God no, this is the Prom! This is no time for your stupid feminist crap!

Water Tower

Jackie: Oh my God! From up here, Point Place looks just like Paris!
Donna: You think that looks like Paris? God, no wonder you think Kelso could be a model!

Hyde Moves In

Jackie: Ok, but no offense Hyde, but all your mother's clothes are whore-y.
Donna: What?
Jackie: Oh, but they look great on you Donna!
Donna: Thanks Jackie.

The Good Son

Donna: So my parents are like fighting all the time and they want me to choose sides. But I can't because they're both idiots! I don't know, I mean I really think they're gonna get a divorce!
Jackie: Oh my God Donna, I am so sorry! But you know what? That very thing happened to a good friend of mine. And now, she has twice as much stuff, twice as much clothes, and her parents fought over who got to buy her a car!
Donna: I mean, you're right Jackie! I mean this whole divorce thing could actually work to my advantage!
Jackie: Exactly!
Donna: Yeah! I just have to make it very clear that my love is continged on how much they buy me!
Jackie: Why am I even talking to you about this? You have a great handle on it!
Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you loose your soul?
Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.

Donna: And they're arguing, and arguing, and arguing
Jackie: Okay, no offense Donna, but all this talk about your mom and dad fighting, well it's boring me.
Donna: Really well talking about your hair was fascinating!

Jackie: Okay, what are those idiots doing?
Donna: Something idiotic. Let's go find out!