Season Five

Going to California

Jackie: Look, Donna, I know you're nervous about seeing people at school after running away and all. But I want you to know it's all under control. I told everyone you went away to have a baby.
Donna: What?
Jackie: Yeah, it was bad ass! Oh yeah, I say 'bad ass' now.

I Can't Quit You Babe

Jackie: Wait. Donna, you're actually gonna go to a Catholic school?
Donna: Not just Catholic school. Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. That means 'sad forever'.

Jackie: I just remembered that I have to go to the mall because they're having this big Monday Madness sale.
Donna: Jackie. It's Tuesday.
Jackie: See? Total madness!

Jackie: Okay, this is my Michael box. I saved everything that loser ever gave me. (She pulls out and holds up a rubber chicken) Hmm. One-year anniversary. What a moron.
Donna: Wow. (Picks up a pair of mechanical teeth) You know, I guess Kelso's really history for you. I never thought that'd happen until you met someone else. You met someone else!
Jackie: What? Someone else? That's crazy. You're crazy. Shut your pie hole!

Donna: Wait a minute!
Eric: Weird!
Donna: Okay. Now, you guys are SITTING together?!
Eric: Oh my GOD! You guys aren't just fooling around. You care about her.
Stephen: I do not. She sickens me.
Jackie: No, no. I'm the one who's sickened. Okay? I'm not supposed to be seen with scruffy guys like you! I date guys I can take out in public.
Eric: Yet, you continue with this abomination!
Donna: You know, you guys have to tell Kelso.

What is, and What Should Never Be

Jackie: Huh? Hey! Michael! I went to the movies. Right Donna?
Donna: Oh, um, I don't know. I was with Eric all night. But I'm really interested in this movie. Why don't you tell us all about it?
Jackie: Donna! Fine. You know, it's that new movie starring that big red whore.
Donna: Oh, you mean the one where the big red whore is sick of people keeping secrets?
Jackie: No, no, no. The one where the big red whore keeps sticking her big red nose in places where it doesn't belong?

Jackie: Donna, what is with you?
Donna: Look, I'm sick of covering for your creepy, unnatural relationship, and I shouldn't have to. I mean, Hyde, you and Kelso have been friends forever, and you owe it to him to tell him.
Eric: Yeah, this is way worse than when you stole his headgear and used it to clean out your sink.
Hyde: It's tough love, man.
Donna: You know what? Forget it. You obviously don't care about Kelso or any of the rest of us.

Heartbreaker

Donna: And when he saw you guys kissing, he just fell apart. I mean, it was awful. And then he ran into the screen door.
Jackie: Ohh. He's just so bad at doors.
Donna: Look, if you don't work things out with Kelso everybody's gonna choose sides and nobody's gonna be friends anymore.

Jackie: Well, that's not my fault. Look, he deserted me. He broke my heart. I didn't do anything wrong.
Donna: You're dating his best friend! You've gotta talk to him. You owe him an explanation.

Jackie: Ugh! That's just so not the way I wanted to spend the day.
Donna: Well, I didn't want to spend the day wiping tears and pudding off of Kelso's cheek.

Ramble On

Jackie: Donna, guess who hates the ring you got him.
Donna: Eric hates the ring? He told me he loved it.
Jackie: Well, see, Eric told Steven that the ring was so ugly that the elephant man wears it to distract people from his face.
Donna: That ring is beautiful. You know, what's ugly is his bony little finger.
Jackie: Hey, you know what? If he can't appreciate it, let's just take it back and buy me somethin' pretty.

Over the Hills and Far Away

Donna: This is stupid. I mean, why am I looking at a school I don't even wanna go to? I should've gone to U.W. with Eric. And I should've laughed at his thunderstorm jokes. You know, I bet those sluts at U.W. will laugh at them. Sluts.
Jackie: Wait, U.W. has sluts? Steven loves sluts.
Donna: He's not gonna do anything. He's with you now.

Jackie: Well, I don't know if he is or not. I mean, look, last week he called me his girlfriend, and then this week I couldn't even trick him into promising me he wouldn't fool around with anybody else, and I was very passive/aggressive.
Donna: I believe that.

Jackie: Look, Donna, I promised to be faithful, and all he said was, 'good to know.' 'Good to know' Donna! You know what? I'm too depressed to go to orientation with you. Steven crushed my spirit, and now there's only one place I can turn to.
Donna: Please, God, don't let it be me.
Jackie: No. The cheerleading demonstration. I mean, at first when they yell, "We've got sprit, how about you?" Well, of course, I'll have to say, "No!" But show me a human pyramid and a really sharp pom-pom waterfall, and I'll get it back.

Jackie: Donna, I hate it here and I want to go home.
Donna: Wait. What's wrong? Was there a height requirement for the cheerleading team?
Jackie: No, it was awful. And when the cheerleaders were yelling, "Go, team, go!" all I was hearing was Steven saying, "Good to know! Good to know!"

Donna: Jackie, your problem is is you're always trying to force people into doing stuff.
Jackie: Oh, I do not, Donna. Now you feel sorry for me right now!

Donna: You can't make someone like Hyde do anything. You have to deal with him the same way he deals with you. Look, pretend you don't care what he does, and he'll come around.
Jackie: Well, I guess it's worth a try. You know, being with a real man is complicated. You are so lucky you're with Eric.

Thank You

Jackie: (to Laurie) Hey, you and Kelso didn't date. You're just a tramp he cheated with, and you contaminated him so much I ended up with Steven, who I love being with. .... ... So thank you.
Donna: Wow, I'm the only one here who's never been with Kelso, which makes me wanna say "Eww!" and also "Thank God!"

Black Dog

Jackie: And he's a better man for it. So come on, Steven, let's SHAVE-THAT-BEARD!
Donna: Jackie, you just gave an order in the form of a cheer.

Jackie: Steven, my dad's in prison, what am I going to do?
Hyde: Uh, I don't know, bake him a cake with a file in it? What do you want me to say?
Jackie: Nothing. I just... never mind. (she turns and flings herself into Donna's arms)
Fez: Now we're talking. Donna, give her a kiss.

The Girl I love

Donna: Where the hell does Eric get off acting like I make him do stuff? It not like I wanted us to come to this dinner party either! I only did because - well, you're menopausing now and you scare me!
Kitty: Right, you came for me. It's like I slaved over a pot-roast for all of you. You want a definition of Hell? Try opening a 400 degree oven while you're having a hot flash.
Nina: We're all here for someone else. You know why? It's right there in front of us, girls! Women are giving.
Jackie: I'm not giving! I'm here for me. Steven is the one that should be thinking about others. I mean how can he just ditch me?
Donna: Well, it might have something to do with you trying to boss him around and then showing up with Kelso.
Nina: She's right.
Jackie: I know she's right. But you're not part of the group, and I don't like you. So zip it!

Your Time is Gonna Come

Donna: Jackie, you have to sleep at my house!
Eric: Good idea. Put both Jackie's in the same room, toss a lipstick in the middle, and watch them tear each other to shreds.
Jackie: No, no, I don't want to sleep over. Wha- I don't like her!

Donna: Come on. We'll do girly things. We'll make it a pajama party with makeovers.
Jackie: Donna I'm not interested in stupid girly things. I'm not shallow anymore.

Donna: Come on, Jackie, you'll have all night to chip away at her self-esteem. We can whisper about her, then when she asks what we're talking about, we can giggle and say, 'Nothing'.
Jackie: I've done that to you!
Donna: That's where I got it.

Jackie:Augh, she's so cheap she could be the prize in the Cracker Jacks.
Donna: Wow, you're jealous.
Jackie: I'm not jealous. I just want to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room.

Donna: Well, here's the thing Jackie. Kelso likes bossy, vain, shallow, princess types, and since you're no longer available he shopped one in from out West.
Jackie: But he's not supposed to replace me, he's supposed to sit around and pine for me.
Donna: Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Jackie: Oh, my - Donna, it's always about food with you! It's like you're not even listening.

Donna: So, um, so... hey did you guys hear about the woman who might be the first female member of the Supreme Court?
Jackie: No, but I did hear the Dallas Cowboys might hire their first redheaded cheerleader.
Annette: EWW!
Jackie: That's exactly what I said!

Jackie: Uh-oh. Redhead in the room.
Donna: What are you guys talking about?
Jackie and Annette: Nothing

Jackie: Donna, good news. I'm not jealous of Annette. I thought I was and I was afraid that meant I still have feelings for Michael. But I got to know her and now I really like her.
Donna: That's such a relief, because you know what with Burt dying, I was worried about you.
Jackie: Yeah, me too.
Donna: That was sarcasm.
Jackie: Whatever it was, it was very thoughtful.

Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You

Donna: So, have you talked to Hyde about the whole 'Get off my boyfriend' disaster?
Jackie: No! And why is everyone making such a big deal about it? It's like every time I walk into a room, people look at me funny. Donna, how do you deal with it?

Donna: Jackie, the reason people are making a big deal about it is because it sounds like you still have feelings for Kelso.
Jackie: Well I don't. I think the only reason I said it was because I was having an allergic reaction to the Formans' cheap, generic soda.

When the Levee Breaks

Donna: I could even wear my ring if it weren't being resized for me.
Jackie: Can they MAKE a ring big enough to fit your Paul Bunyun hands?
Donna: Jackie!
Jackie: Well, I'm sorry, Donna. But if you're not going to have a party, you're gonna get insulted. That's just the way it is.

Bring It On Home

Donna: Jackie, I can't believe your parents are gone! I'm so sorry.
Jackie: Okay, everyone needs to stop feeling sorry for me. I'm fine! I mean, how could I not be? Mrs. Forman did my hair, and made me smiley face pancakes!

Donna: What is wrong with you people? There is nothing funny about a teenage girl whose mother abandoned her! You know, we're all Jackie's got, we can't just turn our backso nher.
Bob: Donna, you're right. You tell Jackie she can stay with us.
Donna: What?! No, she can't stay with us.
Bob: Sure, she can stay in your room witn you!
Donna: Oh, you're ALL going to pay for this!

Donna: I can't believe my dad's making me ask Jackie to move in with us. This is gonna be a nightmare. 'Donna, where's your spirit?' 'Donna, you're still hungry?' 'Donna, your lumberjack head is blocking out the sun!' You know, I'm not too big, all right? She is TOO SMALL.

Donna: Okay, I've been thinking about what to do with Jackie, and I think we're overlooking the mobile home option, okay? You could park it right in the driveway, and we'll all know she's safe in her own little steel box.

Eric: Donna, you have to let her stay with you, come on. She's your best friend.
Donna: She's not my best friend.
Eric; Well then, whose your best friend?
Donna: Aww, crap! How the hell did that happen?

Donna: So, Jackie. We were all thinking that you might come stay with me for a while, since you're having such a hard time right now.
Jackie: God, I'm so sick of this! I don't have hard times! I'm Jackie Burkhart! I got voted head cheerleader by the largest margin in cheerleader history! I have a wonderful life!
Donna: Yeah, but Jackie, your dad's in prison and your mom-
Jackie: You know what, I'm sorry, Donna, but you're just not popular enough for me to live with.
Donna: I'm not popular enough? I was doing you a favor because I felt bad for you!
Jackie: Well, don't, okay? I don't need to be your good deed for the day.
Donna: Fine! There's the door, don't let it hit your popular little butt on the way out!
Jackie: Fine!

Donna: And then when I asked her to live with me, she said I'm not freaking popular! Am I not on the radio all the time as Hot Donna? Kay? There are hot Donna posters all over town objectifying me! Is Jackie being objectified? NO!
Hyde: She only said that because you embarrased her in a room full of people. I mean, it was like a damned telethon in there. The only thing that was missing was Jerry Lewis!

Hyde: I'm just saying that Jackie needs a place to say, and it would be really cool if you could ask her in a way that doesn't make her feel bad.
Donna: FINE. But she called me unpopular, okay? Unpopular girls don't get free slurpies from Tommy at the 7-Eleven!

Donna: So, you see, Jackie, the reason I asked you to stay with me before is because, well you were right. I am unpopular.
Jackie: Go on.
Donna: I'm umm... too tall... and... and red hair is gross, and well, if I don't do something soon, my unpopularity is going to follow me to college. Unless you help. Please come stay with me. Jackie, help me to be more like you.
Jackie: Well, as long as everyone knows I'm doing it for you. I'll do it.
Donna: Great.
Jackie: Hey, Donna? Thank you.
Donna: You're welcome.
Jackie: Okay, first things first, if you want to be more popular, you're going to have to break up with Eric. What?!

No Quarter

Donna: Well, you know, jackie and I might have fun. Sorta like a slumber party.
Fez: Yes, late night girl talk. Hot oil massages, and the furtive whispers of 'we shouldn't, and 'shhh. it's okay!'

Donna: Jackie, I thought you were gonna put everything away!
I did. The hardest thing was finding room for my shoes. but then I realized, I could just fit them inside your shoes.

Donna: Jackie! Turn that off!
Jackie: Donna, I need music to fall asleep. See, I wear ear plugs so I could just barely hear it. But it needs to be loud enough because I like the vibration on the bed!
Donna: So... how am I supposed to get to sleep?
Jackie: Think of something boring! Like school. Or Eric!

Donna: Jackie, if you're gonna stay here we need to set up a few ground rules. Okay? You can't just... what happened to my Led Zeppelin poster?
Jackie: Oh! I put up the Captain and Tennile!
Donna: No,no,no! No way is my Led Zeppelin becoming The Captain and Tenille!
Jackie: What did you say!?

Donna: Jackie read my diary, Mrs. Forman! And she even wrote little comments inside! Yeah. Like, "Oh, this could never happen." And, "Donna, this guy was whistling at me, not you!"

Jackie: Oh, Donna! There you are. Okay, we have to talk about your makeup collection. Chap stick, is not lipstick!

Jackie: Donna, I read in your diary that you think I'm kinda hard to live with. And well, I realized you were right. And I wanted to show you that I know, and I'm sorry, and well...thank you.

Donna: I know how much you love that ring, and I wanted to do something nice.
Jackie: Wow. Thanks.
Eric: You know, Jackie. Some people, if they wanna be nice, they just actually start being nicer on a day to day basis.
Jackie: Yeah. I figured it'd be easier to write a check.

Nobody's Fault but Mine

Donna: Jackie! Jackie! It's Hyde!
Jackie: No!
Donna: Yes!
Jackie: No!

Donna: Can I say something? I think this whole thing was a misunderstanding. Hyde didn't know what was going on.
Jackie: I know, okay? But after Michael, I promised myself that I would never be with another boy who cheated on me.
Donna: But Hyde's so good for you. Since you've started dating him, you've completely stopped quoting Nancy Drew.
Jackie: And the worst part is, I still love him.
Donna: I know.
Jackie: You know, normally I wouldn't cry on your sweater, because, you know it ruins the fabric? But God this one's so cheap it won't matter!

Celebration Day

Donna: Jackie, are you sure you want to go camping? These idiots are going to be competing for you the whole time.
Jackie: Well, I'm glad, Donna! These idiots have jerked me out so much I can't wait to watch them fight over me.

Jackie: This is really hard! I mean, I know I love Steven because he's smart, and he's deep. And when we have conversation he makes me think- which used to give me a headahce but now I really like!
Donna: So? Go with Hyde!
Jackie: Yeah, but Michael? Oh, Micheal is so beautiful! And you spend a lot more time looking at someone than you do talking to them.
Donna: Again. Go with Hyde.
Jackie: Donna, you don't understand. Look, I know in a lot of ways, I need Steven. But Michael needs me. And it's nice to be needed.